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DVD N: THRENODY FOR DARFUR
1,472 minutes in Thomas Dolby 9:1 Sensurround® Only €964. Please note, €10 from the sale of every other DVD goes to the ‘Give Darfur a chance’ fund.

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Emotionally grown up and searing response to the Darfur crisis, Kaffe has never been so hot as on this recording.
As Kaffe herself explains it: ‘It’s a disgrace. People have preferred to sit on their hands and do their gardening, or skulk indoors watching England United lose to Mecklenburg than do something about the genocide in Darfur. Women, children, men have been butchered, raped, murdered and nobody in the international community gives a fig. Well I do! And here’s my answer’.

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DVD F: CLIMATE CHANGER

2,019 minutes playing time

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Kaffe Matthews battles against the horrid clammy climate on the Isle of Unst, Shetlands where it rains all the time Monday 2017

Text : Kaffe Matthews inc Adam Bohman’s haiku ‘Catford shank’, a tree sprite called Tixey and selected extracts from William Prynne’s Histriomastix

Guest voices: Tam Dean Burn as Archbishop Laud in the Tower. Features various invisible tree sprites

As Kaffe explains in the copious sleeve notes: My intention was to employ a kite to harness the lightning from a storm, using it to reanimate a pair of old chicken legs and record the twitching and scratching directly onto fresh vinyl. I’d seen something similar done in Terence Fisher’s ‘Curse of Frankenstein’ which is far and away the best of the Hammer horrors. Mary Shelley was dead by the time they made the film but she was familiar with the experiments of Voltaire.

My idiot engineers got it all wrong. Every time they sent up a kite the wind snatched it and carried it far away out to sea. It was wet and horrid and my hair was a mess so I ordered them to continue working while I went and recovered in the bar at the dingy dirty smelly hotel the stupid receptionist girl with the clumsily done French nails at the Scottish Arts Council had booked up for me. The engineers returned around midnight looking like a gang of sheep who’ve just been bestialized by a mad farmer.
They said, ’Kaffe. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?’
‘The good’, I replied, ever the optimist.
‘We managed to connect with a lightning bolt’.
‘Good. And the bad?’
‘The chicken legs were incinerated and Sinjon suffered first degree burns when he tried to put out the vinyl which had caught fire. He’s being air-lifted to Aberdeen as we speak’.

Captured on the Isle of Unst, rejiggled and compiled with additional vocal field recordings at Shitless Animals by Kaffe with no additional help Wednesday 2018.

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DVD D: TREE SPRITES IN FULL EFFECT

Features Kaffe breaking the entire contents of a Tiverton gift shop.
DVD 11 minutes worth. €1,045

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Featured tracks:

Diecast metal postbox smashed – Tiverton, 2019
My old boyfriend bought me a policeman bear which I ripped to shreds – Tiverton, 2019
Union Jack shopping trolley key ring obliterated – Tiverton, 2019
Beefeater dangly bottle stopper snapped – Tiverton, 2019
Sights of Tiverton 7” porcelain plate shattered – Tiverton, 2019
What meek staff – Tiverton, 2019

Awarded Top Class Honours, Arse Electronica, Tromphe D’oeil Prix de Stringer Bell 2021

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DVD C: DEATH IMPROV
Long overdue and much anticipated – here it comes, here it comes, the ninteenth release from sonic Borg queen, her amazingness Kaffe Matthews.
DVD 983 minutes worth plus bonus video tour of Kaffe’s crib (18+ only). Special offer €1,752

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Delayed five years due to a flat tyre and a complete re-think as her violin floated off up the Rhine in a tulle-lined little oak coffin. Seeing as everyone else has given up using instruments and taken up sound processing with laptops, Kaffe decides to make a play for the field and in the event, wrests the laptop crown from the great Austrian pretenders. Revamped and revitalized, working in ways like you’ve never heard like in your life like, Kaffe samples the sound of air circulating in an old lead acid battery factory and recontextualises it for a sleeping audience using 351 speakers sewn into their sleeping bags. The commitment is evident, the effect is obvious. The homologous chips simply must fall at some point – and bring everything clashing down when they do.

‘Kaffe Matthews might well be the only living improviser capable of combining the glitz of Alexis Bittar and the conflated catwalk cataclysm of Proenza Schouler with the dire dishwater-dull dead end dirge of the laptop paradigm. A significant departure’ – Ed Baxter, Music Monthly

FEATURING:
Who stole a whole bowl of my chopped nuts? – Crazy Horse Club, Singapore.
Inadequate rider – 115th LMC festival, London, UK
Prosecco Fountain – The Vice Rock Club, Swansea
The Bidet that exploded and ate half of Paris – White Lady, Tokyo.

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DVD B: THE HITS OF MORTON & MARTY FELDMAN

double DVD. 2,467 minutes worth. Only €3,419

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‘Peels as it cleans as it changes’ – Ed Pinsent, Sound Bender Magazine.
Kaffe as panjandrum doling out the Teflon-coated aesthetic. The music greets the Clangers in a whooping, cat-calling and heavy handed schtick, then tweaks, snodges and buffs up noises originating from a team of small hamsters placed inside of a hollow laptop.
Now collaborating with livestock, on this outing Kaffe Matthews is a force not to be tangled up with. Recorded live at Betty’s Mayonnaise, Osaka. Reconstituted live indoors next to an old people’s home near Skivvington by the old M3 bypass. Keep an eye out for crazy crazy shows where Kaffe turns raw animal sound into concrete and glass curtains.

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First, let me re-introduce myself in case you’re one of those stupid people who click on a webpage but still don’t have the brains to realize whose page it is you’ve just clicked on. My name is Kaffe Matthews, I’ve been getting a lot of criticism for my so-called ‘arrogance; since December 2019 but I honestly think if you are lucky enough to be one of the few really talented people around, why should you try to muffle the fact. If you ask me it’s almost as bad as strangling babies in their cots but a whole lot worse.
This is an interesting time to be in the electronica music scene provided you have masses of talent. As old laptop/musical models crumble, new models emerge. I’m forever doing my part to provide a valid digital music experience and develop new ways to connect people to the music they love… ie. my music. Now is your special chance to get into Kaffetronica from the ground floor up. I’m offering new visitors to my marvelous web pages the opportunity to buy Kaffe product at bargain basement prices. Don’t be an idiot and miss this once in a lifetime chance to enhance and refocus your life. Shop KAFFE – you won’t regret it!

Kaffe Matthews Tuesday 2023

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DVD A:
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kaffe matthews transglobal repositioning of the violin into an object worth avoiding. 1,042 minutes worth. €1,376

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Environmental contusions recorded in a crack house in Yorkshire, a big boaty thing in the English Channel, a nightclub in Orchard Road, a sub below the waves and other great places! 2014.

Featuring:
Crushed butterfly – Movida, Argyle Street
Gorbal’s backslap (part thirty seven) – on the ferry, Calais.
Short fat dragon lady – Club Kitten, Pattaya.
Who stole my kettle lead? – Cartel Club, Sinaloa.
Queen of the Borg (part two hundred and six) – inflatable midget Submarine, off the coast of Tasmania.

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