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Tuesday September 4.33 pm

Thrown out of artists residence at Smølnjord Gallery, Tromsø after two days for shouting at an unbelievably idiotic earth mother who let her stupid brat touch my bidet. No-one touches my stuff, ok! Transpired she was the daughter of one of the gallery owners. How was I to know?

Kaffe Matthews gallery-exterior

Monday May 12.12 pm

The galactic Sonic Bidet project is now in its fifth year and accreting much material. The project slaves wear titanium hardened exoskeletons to facilitate working anaerobic environments in zero gravity. See ‘Useless Crap’ for more news.

Kaffe Matthews Galactic Sonic Bidet

Saturday October 10.30 am

Sonic Bidet commences in Herbert Van Rijn Gallery, Massachusetts. It’s an unholy dump of a place but they’re rewarding me royally. And the dollar is so strong against the Euro right now. So I don’t mind. I deserve it.


Monday October 7.13 am

Flying to Massachusetts in an aeroplane to oversee the installation of version 6 Sonic Bidet. I couldn’t very well fly in a boat, now.. could I, addlebrains?!

Kaffe Matthews Air Stewardess

Sunday September 12.14 pm

Picnic with the gallery owners in Tromsø. It’s hideous. They’re all drooling Scandinavian Hillbillies but I daren’t say anything. I honestly didn’t realise that inbreeding was still practised in Europe. What am I saying??? Have you been up to Leeds lately? From what I’ve gathered, incest is part of their school curriculum.


Friday November 3.12 pm

Plumstead Marshes. My Sonic bidet installation at the Cosgrove Gallery, Dagenham has been terminated prematurely. The gallery owner’s son (Nesbit or Nesquik or some totally stupid name) managed to spill orange juice all down my brand new Wolford tights so I gave him a very hard slap. Anyone who knows me knows I love children more than everyone else but when it comes to little boys I firmly believe that you have to get the discipline in place early on. After all, it never did my dad any harm when my mum used to whack him round the mining villages. The gallery owner accused me of being – I quote – ‘A Kindergarten Nazi’. So I gave her an even harder slap. Which is why I’m driving home across Plumstead Marshes with the bidet in the back of my Mazda.


Thursday March 12.02 pm

This is my powder blue Mazda who I love more than any other person in the world. I love it to bits!! Perched on the front lid is my companion tree sprite – Tixie.

kaffe matthews kar two with tree sprite

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